you always gotta have a plan

So, I did go see SatC last night. It was entertaining. Great clothes, good shoes.

(and no, I couldn’t get Mitch to go with me – shock.)

I actually LIKE watching movies in the theater by myself, but other people seem to take joy in making it an awkward experience. So, over the years I’ve formulated a plan to compensate for the presence of other people in the theater---

• 1. Time your arrival carefully so that you arrive exactly as the previews begin. Everyone else has found their seats at that point and you can pick who you will sit by…


• 2. Sit about 10 rows closer to the front than you normally do. You’ll be sitting in the middle school section, and they will consider you much too old to talk to. However, they are LOUD WHISPERERS, so you need to sit far enough away that you can’t reach over and smack them when the whispering gets to you.


• 3. If possible, sit 4-5 seats away from a couple. Their presence will often protect you from the next two groups:


• 4. Stay AWAY from the duo of middle-aged fat women. They will try their darndest to include you in their ‘group’ if they notice you sitting alone.


• 5. Stay even further away from the crazy-haired old man. He is there solely for the sexual content, and his comments are neither clever nor charming. (Do not, under any circumstances, engage in conversation with him – it will inevitably turn into a rant about Jim Morrisson and The Doors, and you will end the conversation wondering if he is going to follow you into the parking lot and murder you.)


• 6. Haul ass outta there as soon as those credits start rolling.


• 7. Don’t order the large bucket of popcorn. It’s giant-ness will only emphasize your solitary-ness…